im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
