I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
