I think I won the penis lottery.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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