I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
