My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
