Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
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You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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