I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
