i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
