I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
We need a shit load of segways right now
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
