who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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