I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
