Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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