What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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