Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
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