i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
