I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
