Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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