I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
