are you so shy because you have an std?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
