Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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