remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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