Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
