he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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