meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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