Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
