my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
