When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
