Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
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He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
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We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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