He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
