In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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