I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
