Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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