i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
