I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
