Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Randomize
