Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Randomize
