I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
