I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
