i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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