Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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