I murdered the dance floor call the cops
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
he just fucked me for my cheese..
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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