I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Buhtt sex?
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Randomize
