you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
