i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
