I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
