and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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