I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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