By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
