You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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