i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Randomize
