I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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