i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
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Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
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As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
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