Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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