There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.
It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them
Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Never let your siblings swipe right.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
