i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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