he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
