i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Randomize
