my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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